okay so.

- hopefully, my grandparents can help with a temporary loan until we get the fafsa stuff done and all that. the taxes are being finished by dad's cpa. i might try to get a loan in my name from a bank to cover this coming summer's expenses. i really don't want to have to work to pay rent again this next summer. i need to take a class at northeast state and work on my portfolio, bitches. please, god, i need help from nannie and papa. hah.

- barnes and noble sucks. i'm amending my month notice back to a two weeks' notice today. i hate working there. i kind of need the money, but oh well. i need to finish my damn roach necklace so i can get slides made more than i need to make fuckin' frappuccinos. DAMN YOU, FRAPPUCCINOS!!! damn the man, too.

- apparently there's going to be a party at my house tonight for my friend courtney's leaving barnes and noble after two years. there could be anywhere from 5-20 people, all b.y.o.b. we'll have to see how that's going to work out in our 1200 sq ft. apartment- should be interesting. i'm getting dusty to bring his camera. i need to update myspace pictures anyway. i'm tired of all the old school ones on there now.

i'm going to have to start scaling back to the essentials, methinks. less unnecessary spending. i'm going to have to focus on school this year. i recently spent 8 hours in the studio in one day- it was extremely invigorating. i have less tolerance for barnes and noble now, especially since they've changed the hours around on me. i told them i could work NIGHTS and instead, they've scheduled me for days. i'm sorry, i have two other jobs. i'm no longer going to bust my ass at a place i hate working when there's art to be made.

this year is going to come through on a wing and a prayer, methinks.

oh and gigi, i want to talk to you about the jewelry i want to make you. call me, bia.

my father is completely fucking incompetent. it's now almost august (school is in a month, and his taxes still aren't done yet. needless to say, that means my FAFSA isn't done yet. he still has YET to do his fucking taxes, send them to the cpa, wait for them to fax the shit back, fill out the form online, wait 2 weeks for it to be processed, wait an undetermined amount of time for ETSU to figure out the forms, and even LONGER for the goddamn money to be disbursed. his next great idea was to use a letter he got from bank of america about student loans containing a loan code and phone number to get loans from a 3rd party lender, pay the school, and fill out the FAFSA by a later date and then pay on the bank of america principal with the scholarship and loan money i'd receive from the government. but now, he's out of town, and of-fucking-course the letter has mysteriously disappeared off the face of the planet. i HAVE to have enough money to get all my supplies and rent and food for the next year. to have any kind of decent, worthwhile portfolio for grad school, i simply WILL NOT be able to work full time and go to school. it will be physically and psychologically impossible. most of all, i hate being surrounded by impotent losers.

seriously. things in my life have always been this way when it comes to my parents. don't get me wrong, i never went hungry or cold, but when it comes to getting anything (and by jesus, i do mean anything) done right or in an efficient manner, i cannot depend on anybody but my fucking self. this is infuriating mostly because i'm not yet in a position to be financially independent. i could be registered as financially independent, but it would take 2 years for that to officially take effect as far as the fafsa is concerned because i've been claimed on his taxes for the past year. therefore, i am completely unable to do anything to change my situation. my education, my rent, my goddamn way of life is at the mercy of the bumbling fool also known as my father. EVERYONE has a lot of shit going on. EVERYONE has to work. EVERYONE has a lot of stress. suck it up and get it finished.

if anyone ever wants to know why i'm such a control freak- it's because of this insidious pattern of being at the mercy of people who most definitely don't have their shit together. i know bad things happen to everybody and it's easy to run into a string of bad luck, but if you, as a routine, cannot seem to live your life in a way that is efficient, functional, and productive- then deal with it or just go ahead and give up and admit your status as a sniveling powerless chump. it'll be a miracle if i graduate at all at this rate. i think people who have children (and four, no less) without the physical, emotional, and financial resources to raise and provide for them appropriately should be publicly flogged within an inch of their lives. that would be ever so much better than foisting the cumbersome burden of being more responsible and together than your parents onto the little people to whom you give birth.

fuck this, seriously.

tomorrow, my mommy turns 50. just so you all know, my mom is SO hotter than yours, thankyouverymuch. here's a picture to prove it.  (yes, she's squinting. it's bright on the beach.)

also, because today is father's day, we need an obligatory five-year-old-adorable-becky-and-daddy picture. without further ado:

god, i was such a wonderful child. you can't beat those baby blues.

in other news:

- I have friends that love me
- tomorrow, something fun happens. hopefully. maybe details later.
- i got a pretty decent schedule for next week. if i can manage to give blood next week too (eww...i hope i dont faint this time...) then i might just be able to pay rent this month, despite the fact i've had to buy a ton of presents this month.
- mc chris is the shit. he's been featured on aqua teen hunger force for you comedy central fans. i've been listening to his albums "eating's not cheating" and "life's a bitch and i'm her pimp" incessantly. anyone that can make a really good flow while rapping about boba fett needs a medal.
- daniel and i are still friends, despite our textmessaging fallout earlier this year. yay!!  =)  i hate bad blood between friends.
- i have new black slipon vans that have pink smiling hippos on them. i feel...delicious.
- i have also come to the realization that some people are just crazy/stupid no matter how much you care about them or how much good advice you give them. no matter what you do, a lemming will still hurl itself off a cliff.

that is all for now. beebo out!

in regards to the comments in the previous entry:

thanks guys. it helps to know that i do have people out there who care and wuv me, even if you are all a million miles away in texas. seriously. i miss you guys like hell. (and nanette, i was just looking through a family album and found a picture of me and katie sitting in a cardboard box with james and kristen- it was cute!) if at ALL possible, i'm going to try and visit in september for my birthday. it'll probably be the weekend of the 24th, from probably thursday thru sunday. i might have to fly into austin to cut costs down, but depending on whether or not dusty is with me, we might be able to rent a car and mosey on up to waco. i'm also considering a visit this coming spring break because i'd like to meet the metals professor at UT Austin so as to check out a possible grad school location. i really appreciate you three- excepting my friend andrew, you're the only ones from my sojourn to texas that i actually still talk to. i really value your friendships, even though we don't get to talk much.

please lemme know if you guys would like to hang out when i come.

<3<3<3

i'm feeling pretty down today. it seems like no matter what i do, i can't seem to get ahead. i'm working three jobs now, and somehow, halfway through the month, i still don't know how i'm going to make rent. i haven't even bought that much stuff for myself. a few new clothes for work (i have to have SOMETHING that'll go by the dresscode and i DID shop at target), a bathing suit, and a new pair of shoes, and ugh. it's very frustrating. i guess next week i'm going to have to give blood again; the prospect of which distresses me because the last time i almost passed out because apparently, i have very tiny veins and the needle caused severe irritation. how is it that i work so very hard and still can't seem to do anything right? buying groceries shouldn't be so difficult.

 in october, i'm probably going to have to leave the beautiful apartment and complex that i love because of my roommate's serious fucking life-indiscretion that's going to cause her to be unfit as a roommate this coming year. so much for having someplace that i can really call home. that seriously makes me want to cry. i don't want to leave my apartment at ALL. or the giant oak tree in the back yard or the panoramic views of the mountains, the willow trees, or the "welcome home" sign at the entrance to the apartments. i've lived here over 6 months now and my ever-promising-never-delivering mother has STILL not made me the curtains she promised me before i even moved in. in a couple months, i wont be able to use them anyway. i just won't be able to afford $840 on my own, and i don't have any friends that aren't frigging married or living with someone else, so probably, sharing is out.

anyone reading probably thinks i'm whining. to be honest, i really don't give a shit. i am genuinely distressed. dad's had to quit 3 of his 4 jobs, and might be switching positions and losing another $20,000/year. so (as per usual) no financial or emotional help/availability will be forthcoming from my parents. i don't have many friends, except the ones i see at work. i work all the time anyway, so there's not much time or money to use to "hang out". my roommate is preoccupied with her new life change. even my freakin therapist is on a 4 week leave. i'm so very, very tired of having to bear all the burdens alone. i dont have anyone who is capable and/or willing to help me in the ways i so desperately need. i can't even finish my art projects- the silver wire i borrowed from my teacher to finish a necklace got stolen when i got my oil changed and my car vacuumed. (yay, another thing to pay for!!)

i'm just really worn down. i've really been trying to be positive and count my blessings and everything. i know my life could be a helluvalot more difficult and all that, but it doesn't make these present struggles any less taxing. i just wish someone could lighten the load, even a little. but somehow, that never happens. having to fend completely for yourself physically, financially, and emotionally is really, really old. i guess i should just fucking get used to it, huh?